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Cisgaze and Nonbinary Exclusion

Yesterday, I saw a re-post of a chalkboard sign that was taken outside of a bookstore. It listed “Women + Books News,” which included a list of female authors in SFF. I was thrilled. One of my favorite authors scored a well-earned seven-figure deal with TOR. An author from my agency won her second Hugo back-to-back. But then…my heart sank and I heard that evil dysphoric voice whispering in my ear:

This will never include you. You’re non-binary trans*.

I don’t fit.

It would be easy to have lists say “Female and Non-Binary Authors.” However, the cisgaze means cis people don't think about these things. They don't think about us, the third genders. I'm not saying this solely for my comfort. More young people are identifying under the non-binary umbrella. We need to set an example for teens and young adults and provide a safe environment where they can express their gender without fear of exclusion. I personally want to set an example for my younger readers. It's a challenge to be out and proud as a non-binary person and to use gender neutral pronouns, but it is worth it. The freedom that comes from embracing your true self...I can't put it into words.

Why is it such a big deal? Put your name on the women's list, Dill.


I shouldn’t be included on lists that are allocated only to women or men because I am neither. I refuse to adhere to the privileges my assigned binary birth would give me in these regards. And being binary, whether trans or cis, is a privilege. “But it would be so much easier.” Not for me. I could fake being allocishet (allosexual/alloromantic cisgender heterosexual) until I was dead inside and my books were on the bestseller lists. But I won’t. I spent too long hiding because I was afraid and didn’t want people to hurt me physically or emotionally.

I’m done.

It’s harder for queer and trans* (trans-inclusive) people to find and keep jobs, get published, date, do any little thing because we don’t fit into the binary. I see the changes being made, the waves of feminism, and am glad. Throw your fists in the air, wear pink hats, march on cities for change, but remember there are others who face oppression in the shadows, too terrified to speak out or dealing with crippling dysphoria from these symbols of “freedom.” Were struggling to be published and tell our OWN stories while cis people write transphobic pieces riddles with inacuracies. 

 Trans* and nonbinary people are called burdens and dismissed as excessive. We only want to live and be free from prejudice. In being ourselves, we make allocishets “uncomfortable.” That’s often seen as our fault. It’s not. We’re not to blame. Allocishets don’t know how to address us or treat us, and often feel as if they have to make an extra effort to accommodate our existence (i.e. learning to use new pronouns).

Some people don’t want to deal with our changes. So, they ignore them. This has happened to me. I’ve been repeatedly misgendered without apology. I am not a woman. Please stop thinking of me as such. Gendered or feminine language makes me uncomfortable and gives me huge spells of dysphoria.

I’ve yet to go on a job interview since coming out, but I know it’s not going to be a fun time. Doing it as a disabled person and willingly talking about my disabilities was…not great. Spoilers: They weren’t interested. I can only imagine what’ll happen next time:

Hi, my name is Dill. Like the pickle, yes. My pronouns are they/them. I don’t care if you use singular or plural. The they is the important part.

Queer gods, save me.


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